What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

why did the mann get kicked outa the KKK,?

coz he was black!!

Two cows in a field. One cow turns to the other an says "MOOO" the other cow goes "oh my god i was just about to say that!"

Q: What do you call an alien without any eyes?
A: Alen

yo moma soooo fat.... she needs a really big belt!!

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car
at some lights whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Alex,
Alex who?
Alexplain later now let me in.

What's Mr. T's favourite yoghurt? Pity Faloo!

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

Ans: You can beat an egg but you cant beat a wank!

sure is... u'd think with fame like that id be able to pick up a ticket

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Hitler and Goering are arguing about the Jews. Goering says that they are very clever people, but Hitler denies it. Finally, Goering tells Hitler that he'll prove it's true if Hitler is prepared to disguise himself and come shopping with him. Hitler agrees, so they both disguise themselves and go into Berlin. Goering takes Hitler into a shop, goes up to the counter, and asks the German clerk: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"
The clerk stares at Goering for a moment, then says, "No, mein Herr, we do not."

The two leave the shop and Hitler complains that he doesn't understand what Goering is doing. Goering tells him to be patient and takes him into another German shop, where Goering asks the clerk again: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"

As before, the clerk stares at him and says: "No, mein Herr, we do not."

They leave again and now Goering takes Hitler into a Jewish shop. He goes up to the counter and asks the clerk: "Do you sell left-handed teacups?"

The clerk smiles politely, goes into the back room, makes a show of rummaging around, then brings out a saucer and teacup, sets the saucer down and carefully places the cup with the handle pointed so Goering can pick it with his left hand.

"There you are, mein Herr!" the clerk says.

Goering buys the teacup, thanks the clerk, and leaves the shop with Hitler. Once they're outside, he turns to Hitler and says: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people!"

"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snaps. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

that's bollocks about the pen by the way, it's not gravity that makes the ink flow, it's the friction between the paper and the ball-point that makes it flow, so a ball point pen will work in space. sorry to be so pedantic, but tHat little story really grinds my gears, cos people always think they're so focking smart when they tell it.

Kerbcrawler in a Lada pulls up beside a hooker and asks her 'How much ?'
she says €50
He gets out of the car and says 'sold !'

A man comes home from the pub to see his wife lying on the bed with her legs wide open and a pair of crotchless knickers on
She smiles at her husband and says 'Hello darling, would you like some of this?'
He says 'You must be bleeding joking.. Look what it's done to your knickers?

What do you call a man with no arms?
Sh--ty-Ass!

How do you define an extractor-fan?
Someone who used to like tractors!

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds?"

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!!!!!!"

why did the fly fly?
because the spider spied her

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Runipe!
Runipe who?

(That one's for anyone who'll be suffering from E-POO at the weekend!)

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Why dont't Irish Women use vibrators?
They chip their teeth

3 different girls are interviewing for a waitressing job.
All 3 are asked the same question: If you found a wallet, what would you do?
1st replies: Well, I'm in serious debt, so, I'd keep it.
2nd replies: I'd have a look for the owner but if I didn't find them I'd keep it.
3rd replies: If I didn't find the owner I'd leave it with the manager to hold onto.
Which girl got the job?
Ans: The one with the biggest tits, obviously!

what do you give God for christmas?
Omnipresents.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you...

''old Dj's never die they just get lost in the mix''

why did the dead chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.....

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

Like the duck and the politics jokes... :D

A little boy says to his mother: 'Mammy, Mammy, when I grow up I want to be like Roy Keane'
She replies, 'You can't do both, son'!!!!

What's Ronan Keatings favourite car?

A Chitroen Shaxon.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, 'I'm sorry honey, but I've got a gynecologist’s appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, 'Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?'

(Amendment to comment #44 above- you have to say this one out loud)Knock knock! Who's there? Runeep! Runeep who? (That one's for anyone who'll be suffering from E-POO at the weekend!)

2 dyslexics in a car one turns to the other and asks; can you smell petrol? the other answers; smell petrol, sure i can hardly smell my own name..

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
By removing his batteries!

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the
best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then
they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song
came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke
out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week,
the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride
between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

''You might be a Redneck if..
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth''

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the
lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody
will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his
young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Cause it scares the s--t out of the guidedogs

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fukin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fukin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the French fukin’ toast."

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why do none of the animals at the zoo have pain killers? Because the parrots-eat-them-all...........

How do you stop kids from playing on your lawn?
Rape one of them!

What's the biggest cause of pedophilia in Ireland? Sexy Kids.

What do you get when you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh Kelly

Why did the Bananan go to the docter?

He wasnt peeling too well.

How do you cok a monkey???

Ya Gorrilla!

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First, You have to d rink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't
do it!

You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those
other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping
and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his
body.

"Now," he says "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

What do you call an Irish Rasta? Padlock.

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car
at some lights whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh*t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

did you hear about the magic tractor?...It went down the road and turned into a field!

How do you cook (not cok) a monkey?

Ya still Gorilla.

in retort to Nortons #86 joke regarding a certain magic tractor....

Did you see the film about the Magic Tractor?

No, neither did I, but I saw the trailer for it!

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very palsywalsy with Sophia Loren. All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the how's yer father?"
"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."
"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour and four blowjobs later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.
"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!
"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.
"I told you," Caine snarls. "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders pint, the bar man says "sorry, we dont serve pieces of string in here". So the piece of string turns around and walks out the door.

Outside the bar, he ruffles up his hair until it's compltely out of conrtol and all over the place. He then turns around and walk back in and sraight up to the bar and orders another pint.

The bar man pauses and looks at him suspiciously. "are you the piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" asks the bar man.
And the piece of string responds "No I'm a-frayed-knot".

What did the number 0 say to the number 8 ?

Het nice belt!

If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother

Two cannibal clowns are eatin eachother...one turns to the other and says...

"does this taste funny to you?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell
that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that
you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weight-lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now,
think
about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters,"Nah...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

<img src="http://a50.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/20/l_17aae4321aa4cc0f28b2732982974511.jpg"/>

Surely that's the best joke!!!!

I was walking down grafton street yesterday and I heard a busker playing dancing queen on a digeridoo. It was very abba-riginal.

A girl is at the check-out in a supermarket. The guy at the cashier swipes through 1 apple, 1 pizza, 1/2 loaf of bread, 1/2 litre milk, birds' eye dinner for 1, etc. The cashier smiles and says to the girl: Are you single? The girl replies: How did you know? The guy replies: Because you're f--king ugly!

two snowmen standin in a field...one turns to the other...

"can you smell carotts?"

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick!!

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork????
Kermit the frogs finger

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Two men walked into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Now they're gonna make me do paging on the comments because of all your crap jokes!

what did the man say to the elephant on his roof?
get off my roof

Shut Up

If my pants aren't at my ankles, don't open your mouth!

A dislexic walks into a bra.

What's the hardest thing about learning to rollerblade?

Telling your dad that you're Gay.

Why do women fake orgasms? To give the impression that they have reached sexual climax.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.

reading over 100 jokes is gonna be so not funny for somebody in bodytonic. if it gets anymore replys the winner wont be announced till next wednesday. mad.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Whats the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out!

Why did I cross the road?

Cause bodytonic bleedin told me there might be an electric picnic ticket there.

Whats blue and cool and sits in your kitchen?

A fridge with a denim jacket on!

<b>@#99, you do realise the judges are mostly Liverpool fans, don't you?</b> ;)

A man and a woman, who have never met before, and
who are both married to other people, found
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in
the upper bunk and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke
the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get
me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Now get your own f*ckin'
blanket you lazy bastard!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Contrary to what the bible says, Jesus didnt die on the cross for our sins..... He only died cos he forgot the safety word....

What do you call an epeleptic in a bush?
-Russell.

***This is Funniest joke ever but ya gotta put on the accents when ya read it for full effect ***

***Two Irish brothers from the back of beyond deep in the sticks decide to cross the water in search of greener pastures in the land of oppurtunity the United States of America***

****They arrive at Ellis Island and join the queue for the immigration desk,****

****The first of the brothers reaches the top of the queue ****

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: name?------

[Irish brother no.1 (Thick Irich accent)]: hows it going their boss.. me name is Paddy Joe Coneally so it is,-------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: and your occupation?-------

[Paddy Joe Coneally (thick Irich accent)] : I’m a pilot -------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: A pilot… well sir the United States could always use more pilots like yourself, so I would like to welcome you to the United States of America, if you could just fill out these forms and proceed on through those doors over their on the right,------

[Paddy Joe Coneally (thick Irich accent)] : Thanks boss-------

****Paddy Joe leaves the desk and walks on through the doors on his right The second brother then approches the desk****

[Irish brother no. 2 (Thick Irich accent) ]: how ya?------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: name?------

[Irish brother no. 2 (Thick Irich accent)] : me name is Tommy Joe Connelly their boss-------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: and what would your occupation be sir?----

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : well boss I’m a turner by trade ------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: A turner?.... What type of turner would that be sir? Is that a metal turner….. a wood turner?------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : I turn da turf ya know-------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: Turf?------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : Ya know da turf in da bog-------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: Peat bogs?------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : yeah I turn the turf in da bog------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: well sir I’m afraid we don’t really have much use for a peat turner in the USA, We don’t really have too many peat bogs in america.I’m afraid I’m going to have to refuse your application------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : but sure ya let me brother in?------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: your brother?-------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : yeah me brother… Paddy Joe… yis let him in..------

[Immigration officer (american accent)]: Paddy Joe is a pilot and we need pilots in the states,I’m just not too sure we have a use for a turner such as yourself in America-------

[Tommy Joe Connelly (Thick Irich accent)] : yeah but sure if I don’t turn it….. how the hells he gonna pile it? ------

Hee Hee
:)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer???

Stick it in the microwave until its Bill Withers!!!!

What do you call the flabby bit of skin around the vagina?

Wait for it......

The Woman !

Do you wanna see my impression of a duck?

...ah man ya kinda have to be here. I just ducked!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, a young
girl went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, the girl told her grandmother that, for two people each
nearly a hundred years old, having sex would surely be asking for
trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we worked out that the best time to do it would be when
the church bells start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the "Ding" and out
on the "Dong".

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream van hadn't come along."

Ha ha! I love the denim jacket one!!!

What goes in out, in out & smells of piss?

A scumbag having sex.

no. 127 - "***This is Funniest joke ever but ya gotta put on the accents when ya read it for full effect ***"

<img src="http://www.orlyowl.com/upload/files/!!!!!!!!o%5c'riley.jpg">

Why did the boy fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms!

What do you call a black man that flies planes?

A pilot you racist!

What was Postman pats name when he retired?
Pat.

Plane about to go down,only enuf parachutes for half the ppl on board,pilot says "here lets throw all the n----rs and chinkies off without a parachute"other pilot says "no,we'll throw ppl off in alphabetical order,its the only fair way.." other pilot agrees and annouces "can i have all asians,blacks and chinks to the front please".

A guy rings into work to tell his boss he wont be comming into work as he is sick:

Worker: Boss, I won't be comming into work today, I'm sick

Boss: What? How sick are you?

Worker: I shagged me sister last night...

Ba Bum tsss!

how do you get a fat girl in bed?? with a cake...

A man is out golfing with his wife when he slices his tee shot badly. On aproachin his ball he realises that there is a barn in between him and the green, so he gets his missus to hold the barn door open so he can squeeze his ball out the windoew on the other side of the barn. Disaster strikes as he mis-hits his shot and drives it straight into his wifes face. Sadly she died instantly. A year later he stands on the very same tee box, and to his horror he sees a man attempting to hit from behind the very same barn, with his wife holding the door open...he runs towards them franticaly waving his arms and screams at them..."In the name of God don't do that !!! I tried it last year and I took a double bogey".

How do you cook Che Guevara...

Ya Gorilla.

( cant get gorilla out of my head...my bad, sorry)

A man goes into the doctor and says:

Man: Hey Doc, I have a problem with my hearing!

Doc: What are the symptoms?

Man: It's a cartoon on the telly...isin it?

A musician was placed on death row. On his last day, he didn't want anything special for his last meal, As he was strapped into "the chair" the guards asked him if he had any last requests.

"Well, music has always been an important part of my life. Could I sing my favorite song one last time?"

The guards replied, "Yep, you may."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooOhhhhhhh, one billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer..."

This jokes MAD.

two cows in a field one says to the other "i feel sick"
The other cow replies "shut the funk up you'll get us all killed"

Why does Tiger have no friends?....beacuse he plays with Poo..

A teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious”. Roland the teacher’s pet, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.”
“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher.”Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”
“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious”.

How do you make a fire lighter?

Take off the coal.

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large electric picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the electric picnic basket was above his head.Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.Soon the electric picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

why doesn't stevie wonder play in dublin any more ?

because he can't see the point

Two sauaages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says "god it's getting hot in here" and the other says "HOLY SH!T..... a talking sausage!!!!!!"

how do you make a dog drink ?

put it in a blender

where did saddam hussein keep his CDs ?

in a rack

two cows in a field

one goes 'moo'. the other one says 'i was just about to say that !'

A man walks down the road with a bananna in his ear. A another man approaches him and says "excuse me, why do you have a bananna in your ear?". The man responds shouting "SORRY I CANT HEAR YOU, I'VE GOT A BANANNA IN MY EAR"..........

Whats green, hard and if it feel out of a tree it would hurt you? A snooker table.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her they're not, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Well it worked for your arse, didn't it love?", he replied...

Whats 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the middle of the night? Cot Death!

A pony walks up to the bar and looks up at the barman. 'What can I get ya there pony' says the barman, 'Could I have two gin and tonics and a packet of bacon fries please' the pony whispers to the barman. 'Sorry, whats that, speak up there pony, I can't hear ya!' says the barman. The pony puts his front legs up on the bar and tries again with difficulty, 'Two G&T's and a packet of bacon fries please boss'
'No problem pony..'says the barman, '..but tell me whats up with your voice, have you got a cold or something'

'no' says the pony, 'I'm just a little hoarse'

Two guys in a bar:

Guy1: "What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in the next hour?"
Guy2: "I'd shag anything that moved!!! Why, what would you do?"
Guy1: pauses and thinks....and says "Stay very very still"

:)

its the first day of the new school year, miss smith arrives into a class of 8 year olds and explains to them that she is there sub teacher for the next few months as there teacher was in an accident during the summer, she explained to the class that she was a strict teacher and required everyone to do there work or else, but that she would ask them a pop quiz question at break time on friday and who ever got it correct would get to go home early with no homework for the weekend, so the first friday came and everyone was sitting ready with there bags packed ready to go home, she asked the question - name all the known crators on the moon? off course no one knew, so back to work for them, the next friday came and again everyone was ready to go home, she asked the question - name all eleven players of the first world cup winning urugay team, again none of the 8 year olds knew the answer, this continued every friday, miss smith would ask impossible questions and no one would get it right, mean while little jimmy was getting pissed off with the teacher taking the piss out off them, so the next friday came and miss smith annouced ok children its time for this weeks question, to which everyone groaned, just as she was about to asked the friday question jimmy rolled 2 black snooker balls up the class and they stopped at miss smith's feet, she crossly said '' who is the comedian with the 2 black balls'' suddenly jumped up and shouted '' lenny henry and i'll see you on monday'' !!

whats the worse thing about 3 man u fans in a mini crashing off a cliff and dying --- you can fit 4 in a mini !!!!

Did you hear about the gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.

A little boy walks up to his dad and says "Daddy! Daddy! What does a vagina look like?" , and his dad says "Well son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose bud." and the little boy says "hmm, ok, but daddy what does it look like after sex?" And his dad says "well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

What did the Kerryman say when he landed in Honolulu? Hawaii

what's green and hard ? a frog with a flick knife

Two old ladies go to meet each other in a cafe in town. After they arrive they both sit down and order their tea and coffee and scones then one turns to the other and says "So, did you come on the bus?" and the other replys "Yes, but I think I managed to disguise it as an asthma attack."

a new young priest arrives at his first parish, the parish priest fr murphy welcomes him and tells him that for his first week or so he will settle him in and show him the ropes, saturday evening arrives and just as fr murphy is about to leave the priest house to go and hear confessions he gets a call that a member of the parish was on deaths door and needed the last rights, so he told the young priest that he would have to hear confessions, as he had never done this before he gave the young priest a guide book, its very simple he said the sins are on the left and the penance is listed opposite, so the young priest headed off to hear the villages sins, the first man came in and told the priest that he was having an affair with his neighbours wife, so the priest looked up the book and found adultery and opposite was 10 hail marys and 15 our fathers so this is what he gave the man as penance, next a young lad came in to the confession box and explained that he had sex outside of marriage, so the priest looked up sex before marriage and it was 8 hail marys and 12 our fathers, the young priest thought that every thing was going well until a young lady entered and told the priest that the previous night she had performed oral sex on her boyfriend, so the priest looked up oral sex but it wasnt there, he looked up blowjob and again it wasnt listed, so he started to panic and told the young lady to say 9 hail marys and 16 our fathers. for the rest of the evening he was worrying if he had given enough penance or too much, as he was finishing confession he walked through the chapel an alter boy was getting ready for mass, so he asked him what does fr murphy usually give for a blowjob? the which the alter boy replied a mars bar and a packet of crisps!!!

it's daily news time in the classroom, so the teacher being a nosey bitch asks the children to make up a sentence about something that happened over the weekend with the word ''lovely'' in it twice, so after 10mins she goes around the class, sarah is first she says it was my birthday on saturday and i got lovely presents and a lovely cake, very good says the teacher, next is paul his sentence is my family went to the seaside on sunday it was a lovely day and i got lovely ice-cream, so eventually she gets to little jimmy he says miss i was at the breakfast table on saturday morning and my 16 year old sister comes in and tells my da that she is pregnant to which my da said thats lovely just f**kin lovely !!!

<b> no. 167 "Did you hear about the gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other." </B>

that's a keeper!!

What did the Hippy say when he seen the Exit Sign?
''Way out Man''

did yoi hear about the gay magician ??/
''he disappeared with a puff ''

its a traveler couples wedding day ( seamus mc donagh 17 and mary stokes 16 ), after the usual days drinking and fighting with the family, seamus and mary head back to the mc donagh caravan, they start to kiss, and seamus begins to take mary's wedding dress off, just before we go any further i have to tell you that im still a virgin says mary, seamus looks at her and starts beating her around the bedroom, seamus's mother hears all the noise and runs into the room, what in gods name is going on in here she says, its this bitch here says seamus shes still a virgin, i tell ye if shes not good enough for her own family shes not good enough for ours

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable patch?
A seizuire salad (sorry)

what did the blind deaf orphan get for christmas?
Cancer
ill pick em up at the door!

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer ?

put him in the microwave until his bill withers

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

where do little people keep their armies?

up their sleevies

One day God calls down to Noah and says,
"Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark."
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the guv."
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks . . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right. Well, sort of right . . . This time I want you to fill it up with fish," God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp. Wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, me old mucker, let me get this right: you want a New Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether ...

"Dunno," says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark

a bear and a rabbit in the woods, and the bear says to the rabbit "when you take a crap, do you have a problem with s--t sticking to your fur?". the rabbit looks at bear and says "no, no i don't...". so the bear picked up rabbit and wiped his arse with him.

Alex Ferguson is curious as to how Chelsea have become so
dominant in English football, so he decides to go down to London to watch Chelsea train.

After a couple of hours he is extremely impressed by the training
practice and asks Mourinho how he keeps the players so sharp.

Mourinho: "Well that is simple, I sometimes ask a player a difficult
question and that way they stay mentally sharp".

SAF: "Could you give me an example?"

Mourinho: "Of course".

Mourinho: "Makelele, come here"

Mourinho: "Claude, he is not your brother but still he is your father's
son, who is he?

Makelele: "of course that is me".

Mourinho: "You see, that is how to keep them sharp"

Sir Alex decides to bring this into Manchester United's training
regime, so the next day at the Manchester training ground he beckons Gary Neville over to him.

SAF: "Gary I have a question for you. He is not your brother, but still
he is your father's son, who is he"?

GN: "Uh?????????????? I don't know boss, can I sleep on it and let you know tomorrow?"

SAF: "It's a new continental coaching method. I'll let you have a
night to think about it"

Before going home Gary decides to put the the question to Ruud Van Nistelrooy, as he has played on the continent so he must be familiar with continental coaching methods.

GN: "Ruud maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your
brother, but he is still your fathers son, who is he"?

Ruud: "That is easy, that is me".

The next day in traning Gary walks up to the guv'nor full of
confidence.

GN: "I have an answer to your question boss, it was actually very easy when I thought about it. The answer is Ruud Van Nistelrooy".

SAF "you stupid tw@t, it's Claude Makelele"!!

whats the first sign of madness ?

suggs walking up your drive way

whats the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson ?
neil armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon while micael jackson tries to have sex with children

a man is walking down the street and he passes a pub (not the bernard shaw) and sees a sign in the window "cheese sandwich €1. ham sandwich €2. hand job €5". he laughs to himself and walks on, but curiosity gets the better of him so he walks back and looks at the sign again and sure enough it still says "cheese sandwich €1. ham sandwich €2. hand job €5". he walks inside and sees a rather sexy barmaid standing behind the bar looking at him very suggestively. he strolls up to the bar and says "i just saw the sign outside the pub. are you the one giving hand jobs?" and she replies, fluttering her eyelashes "well, yes, yes i am". "well go and wash your hands, i want a ham sandwich"

A woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" "No," the woman responds, surprised. "One is 7, the other is 9. Do they look alike?" The shopkeeper shrugs his shoulders and says "No, I just can't believe someone like you got laid twice!"

A rabbi, a horse, and a two-foot tall pianist walk into a bar. "Hey, you three", shouts the barman, "you have to get out now. We're setting up here for another joke in a minute."

2 packs of cigarettes sitting at the bar, a benson & hedges and a malborough red. they are having a few beers and bragging to each other. "i'm the hardest cigarette in the world!!" exclaims mr benson, "i've got loads of tar and all the hardcore smokers smoke me!". "BAH!" shouts marlborough, "i am far tougher than you, all the toughest men in the world smoke me..cowboys...oil rig workers...". just then the bar door slams open and a green pack of fags is stood there, pumped and tense, staring at everybody and struts up to the bar, the whole pub looks down or away, scared sh1tless, but marlborough has scarpered to hide in the toilets. the green pack orders 5 beers and 5 whiskey chasers, knocks them back, slams the empties on the bar and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, still staring everyone out and leaves. Benson shouts out "you can come back now!"...and sees Marlborough poke his head round the door to check the coast is clear...and skulks back to his stool. benson laughs at him and says "i thought you said you were the hardest cigarette in the world??" and marlborough replies "i am...but he's...he's just fukkin menthol!!"

what's the difference between a blow job and anal sex? a blow job makes your whole day but anal sex makes your hole week.

A man goes to the doctor complaining of bad headaches."Do you masturbate" asks the doctor.The man reluctantly replies that he does sometimes................................................."Its brilliant isn't it" says the doctor!!!

A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
Why are you here?"
Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped."

sorry!! haha that should be hole weak...hole week...it's better when you say it ;)

A man pulls a girl down the pub, they go back to his house.
In his bedroom he has three shelves, pack with teddy bears and cuddly toys.
The girl remarks, "Ahh, so sweet, a man with a sensitive side, that's very rare these days...."
So anyway, they get down to it and are lying in bed in each others arms.
She whispers in his ear... 'so , how was I?"
He replies, "take any prize off the bottom shelf"

when does a dog go meow? when it's doing 150 on the n11. meeeeoowwwwwwwwwwww

when does a cat go woof? when you set fire to it.

why do women wear make-up and perfume? because they are ugly and they smell.

(don't tell magda i said that!)

what's got three legs and a c*nt?

a drum stool

2 nuns driving through a forest when the devil jumps on the bonnet of their car screaming and shouting and jumping up and down. the nuns scream and start to panic when one turns to the other and says "quick quick!! show him your cross!!!" so she leans out the window and screams "get off our car you fukking a$$hole!"

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy.He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carry on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff".
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish"

my dad told me to take my nan out. i couldn't do it myself, so i hired a hit-man.

what do you call a deer with no eyes? no eye deer.

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no eye deer.

can anyone tell i'm gagging for tickets? :)

that's not a joke by the way...it's just a fact.

What do you call two benders from Cork?
Michael Fitswilliam and William Fitsmichael.......

A Sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman says 'Sorry we dont serve food here'.......

tryin to win this competition..

A brain and a jumper lead go into a bar and the brain orders 2 pints. The bloke behind the bar says "Sorry mate, I can't serve you". The brain asks why not. The barman says "Because you're obviously out of your head and your mate looks like he's about to start something."

I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "F**k it. I could win that!"

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "So.. how do you drive this thing?"

What wears tarton pants , falls out of a tree , and will kill you??

Rupert the fridge .

In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul McCartney was asked if he ever consider going down on one knee again.

"I'd prefer it if you called her Heather", he replied

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The barman says, "Jeez... where'dyou get that?"
And the frog says, "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of em."

How did Bob Marley like his Donuts?

Wi' jam in.

What does Bob Marley say when he offers donuts to other people?

I hope you like jam in too.

what do you call a snail on a ship?
Snailer!

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

How does a Dub become a millionaire?
By saving for the All-Ireland football final.

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said ” Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

whats black and screams!

stevie wonder answering the iron!

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

<b>I'm <i>not</i> judging this...right??</b>

A man walks into a pub and the barman says to him, "what can i get you?"
"a pint of Carlsberg" replies the guy.
The barsteward serves the pint which the customer takes a drink of
"two pound fifty please utters the barman"
"You said , What can i get you? i thought you were offering to buy me a pint" retorts the guy
As he barman gives the customer a strange look,another customer at the bar says "excuse me but i am a lawyer and what that man says is technically correct. You said, What can i get you? and he has the right to assume you are offering to buy him a drink."
The barman exclaims to the guy, "Well drink that pint, leave and never come into this bar again"
The customer then finishes his pint and leaves.
Ten minutes later he walks back into the bar. the barman says "i told you never come back into this bar again!"
The man says "Ihave never been in this bar before in my life!?"
The bar man says "Well you must have a double"
"Aye make it a double whisky and give my lawyer friend one while your at it!"

What do you call a gay dinosaur???

MegaSoreAss

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top,

"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??!"

The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started."

A man was doing some charity work in an old people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."

Q. What's the smallest thing in the world?

A. A pimple on a knat's balls.

Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy Scots man walk into a bar and the bar man says
"Is this some kind of f**king joke"

Q. What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles? A. Who Dja Nikabolokov.

Did you hear about the Kerryman who farted in the bath? He drowned trying to smell it.

Whats yellow and blue and lives at the bottom of your swimming pool?

A bulldozer with a pair of jeans on

How do you make 5lbs of fat look sexy? Stick a nipple on it.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Chou, a chinese dude arrived in Co. Laois for last years electric picnic festivities. He went into the local drapers in Stradbally and asked for a fox hat. The shop assistant replied that they didnt sell fox hats. Chou demanded the shop assistant find him a fox hat. "But we don't have any, we don't sell any fur products", the shop assistant replied. Chou, now really irritated told the shop assistant that he was specifically told to visit Sradbally in order to get this fox hat. He told the shop assistant that when his friend heard he was going to the electric picnic in Stradbally he had said to Chou "Where the fox that?"

I was sitting next to a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so I turned to him and said "Are you a trifle deaf?" and he said "no, I'm mentally ill as it happens"

You're momma's so fat when she has her period she craps a black pudding out of her vagina.

what's black and sits at the top of a stairs?
Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

A man goes into a butchers and orders 8 legs of venison. The butcher gets them and says 'that'll be €100 please', the man replies.. 'that's two deer'.

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

What's the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only one sleep till christmas.

Why did Batman go to the wedding?

Because he was invited!!

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ...
... A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

The Ostrich

One day last spring, after the lunchtime rush, a fellow came into the bar with a cat: not just any cat, but a mean-lookin' ginger tom. You could see the scars across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing - the ostrich was. Six foot tall, eyes like golf balls, a real live ostrich.

I asked the man what he wanted; "I'll have a pint of bitter", he said "a pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic..." The cat hissed at him "... a double gin and tonic for the cat. Thanks"

Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that he ... could have been a she, how do I know? ... wanted the same again. Well I poured them. I could feel the cats eyes burning through me, as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied round the ostrich's neck.

This carried on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.

The whole place got quiet - well, people sort of sat and stared, and who can blame them? Anyway, eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow what was going on.

"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped, so I said, no harm meant, but you got to admit you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.

"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you.

I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Place was full of rubbish and I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appears... you know, turban, scimitar ... the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long legged bird with a tight pussy - but animals wasn't what I had in mind."

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a f**king man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you f**king Pom! Gin and f**king tonic -- are you some f**king kind of a poofter or something?"

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"

"I mount d..d..dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

(rolls up sleeves)

(cracks knuckles)

What green and tastes like blue paint?

Green paint.

A man get married but doesn't know what to do on his honeymoon. He asks his father about, and after thinking about it for a while says "You f**k her". The man says "What's that then?", to which the father replies "Go stick the thing you played with as a little boy into the place where a woman pisses."
The man says "Ah I understand now", and throws his GI Joe into the toilet.

Mickey mouse is sitting in a pub having a conversation with one of the locals

Local: But I don't understand, if you love her why should it matter if she's got bad teeth?

Mickey Mouse: That's not what I meant when I said she was f**king Goofy!

Two necrophiles are sitting in a pub having a chat says one: "Oh man that girl I had last night her pussy was like an olive!" "What you mean green?" "No, a bit sour"

What's the only thing an Australian test tube baby is afraid of?

A dingo with a straw.

What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son!

The Mother Superior has called an emergency meeting in the convent and all the nun are in the main hall. She begins: "It has come to my attention that there are heinous and ungodly goings on in this convent at night!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp, one giggles. "We have suspicions that there may be a man involved!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp, one titters. "We believe men are getting in here at night!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp, one giggles. "We have evidence, and suspect that one amongst us have been engaging in bestial congress with the very same man!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp, one giggles. "We even found a used condom in the waste this morning!" Ninety-nine nuns gasp, one giggles. "And worst of all it had a hole in it!" Ninety-nine nuns giggle, one gasps.

Gary Glitter is sitting at home reading his newspaper when suddenly his girlfriend bursts in! "Do you know what I was told today?" Gary Glitter lowers the newspaper and replies. "What?" "I was told," the exasperated girl continues, "that you are a filthy, dirty, paedophile!" Gary Glitter flicks the newspaper back up and remarks calmly, "wow, you're really clever for an eight year old."

(Note this one was doing the rounds of the playgrounds in the eighties, hence the out of date references, however I always pictured the guy who used to do the yellow pack adds back in the day in the co-staring role)

What's the fastest thing in the world? An Ethiopian running out of Quinsworth with a penny sweet in his hand.

What's the second fastest thing in the world? The manager.

Note: though the joke below may be long, but it really, really
is just too good not be read, and read properly.

A man is just released after thirty years in prison in the joy, he's handed his belongings and a twenty-euro note and sent on his way. As the gate shut behind him there's only one thing on his mind, having been determined not to have engaged in any soap dropping through out his stay, he needs his sex, and following the advice of his cellmate he immediately starts to pelt it down the street in the direction of the local brothel. He bursts in the door gasping, and with a smile on his face slaps the twenty on the table of the reception. "Er what do you think that's going to do for ya?" Replies the receptionist. "But I need a woman." "You’ll need another eighty euro first," and she calls over the bouncer, the bouncer grabs him and begins to march him out. But as he does so the ex-con pleads his case. No sex in thirty years, only twenty euro to his name, the bouncer (an ex-con himself) feels a genuine twinge of pity for the man and says to him. "Okay I'll tell you what give me that twenty I'll sort you out with someone, she's a bit rough but it's all you're gonna get for twenty these days pal." He takes him the back stairs and sends him up to the "third floor, second on the right." "Thanks God bless." "Yeah, we'll see about that." So he goes up to the third floor. Knocks on it, and a croaky voice replies: "ccomee iinn" Not liking the sound of it he opens the door. He winces, an old woman sit on the bed naked, with her legs spread wide open. Flies buzz around her crotch as she beckons him with a bony finger. "Doonnnt be shyyy!" He shuts the door panicked, cursing the bouncer, but feeling there's nothing to be done and that after thirty long years without sex she has to be worth a poke at least. So he goes back in, undresses, a trying not to look at her, slips it in. But as soon as he does so he withdraws. “Agh I just can't do that, you're too dry, it’s like riding a slit in a bag of cement!." She nods "Oh yes it gets like that sometimes, tell you what, you wait outside five minutes just so I can get myself going." He agrees and waits outside the door. After five minutes he opens it and she smiles, still not looking at her he pictures other girls in his head as he slips the fella in… And it feels FANTASTIC! Tight as a tooth in a gum, she moves her body like a snake charmer and soon his entire body starts twitching, she slows down, speeds up, over and over, and after twenty minutes of sheer delight he has the best orgasm of him life. She offers him a cigarette and they light up together. "Jesus!” he says, “How did you get yourself so wet." "Ah well," she replies, "where there's scab, there’s puss!"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that fvcker!
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fvcker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fvcker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fvcker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fvcker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fvcker for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fvcker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fvcker tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fvcker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fvcker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the fvcker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says, "You know, you cvnts are alright."

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.

An acordian player parks his car with his acordian in his back seat and when he comes back he finds his car has been broken into and theres now two acordians in his back seat...

What is invisible and smells of carrots?

Rabbit Farts :0)

"Did you hear about the guy with no arms who thought it'd be a good idea to enter into the anual masterbating championship, it turned out he didnt cum anywhere".

*A guy goes to his doctor and tells him that he feels like a Jelly Baby! The doctor ate the head of him!!

*Alcohol free larger....its like licking your sisters fanny. Its just not right!

Papa whale, mama whale and baby whale are swimming in the ocean when a whaling ship kills baby whale. The parents are upset and come up with a plan to get revenge. Papa whale wims under the ship and blows water out through his hole. The sailors fall into the water and mother whale eats them all. They get back together and feel satisfied, until the mother whale says, its always the same ya know. What do you mean says papa whale.

Well, you get the blowjob and i have to swallow the seamen :)

How do kiwi's find sheep in tall grass?

very attractive!!!! :)

Whats green and rapes mentally handicapped children?

Me in my lucky green raincoat.

Went lookin for camouflage trousers today, couldnt find them anywhere...

Why Couldn't the bicycle stand up....???

Because it was two tired!!!

AHaha hHA ha ha ha ah H AH AH HA .

Two aerials met on a roof fell in love and decided to get married, the ceremony was s*it but the reception was excellent

whats brown and sticky and is looking in your window now.

Poo on stilts.

how high is a china man..

Rasmus (an african american bum living with his mother in new orleans before Katrina called over) woke up one mornin to his mother shoutin.."RASMUS, get your sorry ass outta bed and get yo'self a job"..."Yeah Mamma, I feeel gooood" Rasmus shouted from his bed...As he went into the kitchen/shed, his Mamma saw him and holla'd..."Come here boy, you look like shiiiiit...What's wrong with you boy, you aint never gonna get a job lookin like shiiiit" ...."But Mamma" Rasmus replied "I's Feel Goooood" ...Rasmus decided to go get his hair cut as his Mama told him to because he wasn't looking so hot. He met his local Barber Loyd who said to him " Rasmus Boy, you really look like Shiiiiit, you okay my child" he asked caringly..."Mamma said the same brother Loyd, that's why I'm here"..."Son, I aint gonna make you look no better with no haircut, you sure your okay, you really look like shiiiit". " But Loyd, I Feel goood, I aint never felt better, I feel so good"..."Rasmus Boy, you better get yo'sel down to the doctor, you really look like shiiiiiit, you aint never gonna get a joab lookin like shiiit" ...Rasmus, left with no haircut and went downtown to his Doctor,Dr.Leeroy Brown...Rasmus was worried because he really felt fine, top of the world inside and out...he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror in the waiting room and realised he really did look like "shiiiiit"..."Oh my Rasmus You look like shiiiiit" said Dr.Leeroy immediately..."how do you feel?". "That's just it doctor I feel great...I feels amazing...I feels all warm inside and feels GOOOOOD, but I look like like Shiiit, What's wrong with me doctor Leeroy, what's wrong with me?" ...the doc took a moment, then said "Rasmus, you a c*nt"

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

did you hear about the gay magician? he disappeared with a poof!

Looks like shiit feels good...not all of them i suppose...but rasmus needed a haircut! as many do!!!!

funny cause you read it all too, its meanty to be way way longer.

Two eggs in a fryin pan, one egg turns to the other and says "jesus it's hot in here"..."waaaaa, a talkin egg!!!" replied the other....crap yolk I know...oh dear lord. sorry trev.

Q.What do you call a dinosaur with a sore butt?
A.Megasoreass

2 men in a pub, after a few jars they are getting rowdy. "I shagged your mum last night!! And she LOVED it!!" exclaims one. "Yeah yeah, ok, calm down" replies the other. "No really, she's a dirty b*tch - she was sucking me off for 30 minutes and then she rode me dry!" the first guy continues excitedly. "Yeah, ok, whatever!" the second man says. "Yeah and then she let me take her up the arse and she screamed in extacy!!" the first guy proclaims further. "Ok ok Dad, that's enough"

This waws a joke I kindly gave to James to share the love - so its kind-of an oldie...

A male patient is lying in bed in
the hospital, wearing an oxygen
Mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.

"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
"I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.

He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis
in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much.

That was wonderful,
but listen very, very closely..... ..

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k

Garda Dave wakes up after a night on the beer (Copper Face Jacks of
course)
> and rolls over to find a girl in the leaba with him.
>
> He has a vague memory of drunken monkey sex so is a bit chuffed with
himself
> but his shift starts in a short while, so he crawls out and heads
towards
> the shower, graciously grunting to the semi-conscious conquest that
he'll
> drop her home on his way to work, she accepts in a similarly coherent
> fashion.
>
> As they're driving down the road she gives him directions by pointing at
the
> relevant turns as they approach them.
>
> Dave is happy with this as he is still not fully with it after a while
> they're driving past a halting site when she mumbles
>
> "Pull in here"
>
> Dave is a bit surprised but thinks maybe she's even more ropy than him
> and needs to hurl so pulls in, she gets out, thanks him for lift and
> says she'll call him soon.
>
> Dave's getting a bit worried now, as there's nothing for a couple of
> miles in any direction except the nearby caravans but decides to try
> and be a bit tactful ........
>
> "I thought you said you were a nurse..?"
>
> She turns, looks at him bleary eye to bleary eye and replies-
>
> "No - I said I was a Ward sister"

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
a wonkey

Soon after mourning the death of their former chief, the McDonagh clan elected a new chief as members of the travelling community do. The clan asked their Chief in autumn if the comming winter was going to be cold or not. However, the new chief was a modern traveller. He was not in tune with the forces of nature and knew nothing of the mystic ways of the traveller. Not really knowing the answer and to be on the safe side, the chief replies "ah yeah, tis gonna be cold alright, best go off and start collecting some wood there boys"

Pretending to retreat to the forrest and listen to the voice of the wind for a better idea of the comming winter, the new chief hides behind a tree, takes out his mobile phone and rings up met eireann. "Is the winter gonna be cold there boss?" he enquires.

The man on the phone responds, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called met eireann again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter there now, or just a bit cold?"

"Yes", the man replies, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls met eireann yet again: "you better be absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold, i'll be strubg up if im wrong here!"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "it's going to be one of the coldest winters in recent years"

"jaysis" says the chief, "how can you lads tell its gonna be so cold?"

"easy" replied the weather man, "the knackers are collecting wood like crazy!"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What do you call a donkey with one front leg and wheels for his back legs?

A wheely wonky donkey!

Why did the baker have brown fingers???? Because he kneaded a poo.

ahhhh nice follow on dave! haha

i laid the groundwork, you knock it home. if you win because of that you should give me 1 of the passes......

Why couldn't Tom ride the bike??? Because he was a fish.

DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S
PARENTS

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over
Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since
this is such a big event the girl told her boyfriend, that
after dinner she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to
know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how
many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack,
or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh,
I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace.
Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother .

Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story,
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
you interrupt!!!

The Fish

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa,
look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but
that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish
back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we
could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll
cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his
chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,

Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

Nescafe

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account. "

Two guys sitting in the office chatting, when this girl passes them
going to the toilet.
Guy says "I think she's nice"
Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter"
Guy "the patter?"
Guys mate "aye the patter"
Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to
girls"
Guys Mate "Feck's sake its easy, all you have to say is "hello" and
she will say "hello" back.
Then say "it's a nice day isn't it"
Then she will say "Yes it is"
Then you say "but not half as nice as you!"
Then she will say "Oh thank you"
Then the patter will just flow"
Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go"
So nervously off he goes re-running the patter in his head.
He walks up and says "Hello"
She says "Hello"
He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"
She says "Yes it is"
He says "but not half as nice as you"
She says "Oh thank you"
A Few seconds of uneasy silence............
Then he says............
"Been for a sh'te then?

What do you call Winnie the Pooh's nanny?

PUNANI

I made this up myself. Its the longest Russel Crowe joke in the world.
I made it because Russell loves electric picnic.
AS he loves bad spelling and also bad grammar.

Acting sensation RussellCrowe was in sunny Rome on holiday with his
Austrailian fiancee Jenny who was famed in the media for her
infidelities. The starving star and his lady wandered round hoping to
soak up some culture. They attended a little pizzeria called 'Don
Cannibaloni's' desperate to try one of Romes most famous exports.
Excited that the hollywood star was dining, the head chef / owner Iago
Cannibaloni greeted them and took their orders.

While they were waiting for their food. Jenny - 'soon to be Crowe'
excused herself and went to the ladies room(or Dunny if your
austrailian). After about twenty minutes the Iago came out with two
pizzas and a message. The pizzas were a vegitariana for russel and a
Meat and two veg special for Jenny. The message was...(cue italian
accent)'Your wife Jenny said she felt sick and wanted a walk in the
fresh airs, she said you was star-ving and to go ahead and eat the
pizza'. Russel was confused but also hungry so he followed her orders.
Iago not intending on missing the chance of sharing a hello magazine
dinner moment said...'I grew up on the streets of naples had to pick
my dinner from bins. It pains me so to see the food go to waste. Would
it bother you if i ate the dinner of your wife. for she is sick and
this is getting the cold...Of course I will make no charge'....Russell
being friendly as well as talented agreed.

They went through two bottles of vintage rouge, chatting and enjoying
a lovely time. An hour passed. Russell checked his watch wandering
where jenny was. A sinking feeling came over him like a sink. He spied
with his eye the final remaining bite on Iago's plate. To his surprise
there lay an engagement ring. But not just any engagement ring. A big
huge beautiful one - the likes- a sensitive austrailian heart throb
would buy.

Russels handsome brain (which is offically eligible for mensa) put 2
and 2 together. He cleverly didnt over react he calmy excused himself
and went to the bathroom. He walked down the hall to find Cannibalonis
had a very cosmopolitan unisex. He opened the door and to his horror
saw a six foot meat grinder called......more to follow

........"F*ck-you-up-a-tron 2006'...A
sticker on the side read 'Most silent meat shredder on the market. The
F*ck-you-up-a-ron 2006 dont make no moans as it crushes the bones'.
Quite scared now Crowe went for a urination but completely missed the
bowl and pissed all over the floor. As he realised he looked down to
see the mess he made and saw a pair of piss drenched stiletthoues.
Jennys piss drenched stiletthoues. This was the last straw, russel
rang the Politzia and explained everything that had happened and where
he was. The officer simply laughed and said...'You tourists are all
the same. We built the collessium and the fine churches and galleries
for you. Stay there at them and dont go bothering the italian people.
But you all want is to go poking your big noses in where their not
wanted. Then poke some fun at are ways when you do. Well youve gone
too far now. Youve found the wrong pizzeria.. havent you? Iago was the
pioneer of the Americano pizza and the great britanio. He appears now
to have invented the austrailinano.

Hope it doesnt taste anything like fosters thats piss water over
here'....
There was a huge pause from Russel.. The officer enjoyed the
pause. Imagining the breaking heart of such a huge man...But Russels
response was full of glee, calm glee...he spoke as though he was
commanding an army..and said...
Thank you Romans
She cheated me
Played dirty in the ring
But with your support i won.
Rome,
Im not forever hers,
I am forever yours............
......................................
...I AM GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

There's a ballroom dance at the old folks home an Richard a mild mannered man from Lexslip finally has the courage to ask Mrs Houlaghan from Crumlin to dance, they step out and walz, they whisper to each other and Richard gasps. "No," Mrs. Houlaghan shouts, "I said I had a cute angina!"

"What do you call a Mexican who's had his automobile stolen?" "I don't know" "Carlos! Ha! Ha! Ha!" "That's very nice but I'm still not having sex with you."

"What did the mexican fireman call his two children?" "Do you've something against Mexicans?" "Hose A and Hose B! Ha! Ha! Ha!" "It's one thing to laugh at your own jokes, but it's quite another to follow someone into a toilet cubicle to tell them it."

"What did the mexican call his two brothers who has really twisted spines." "Seriously STOP FOLLOWING ME!" "SA and SB! Hee! Hee! Hee!" "Listen if you don't leave me alone I'm going to mess you up!"

why do New Zealand horses run so fast? They've seen what we do to the sheep!

"What did the Mexican...?" "Agh!" "No wait, can't you see I really like you?" "Just leave me alone!" "But" "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "the mexican?" "NO, I DON"T CARE ABOUT MEXICANS!" "not even General Mapache?" "From the Wild Bunch? He's not even real!" "Did you see that episode of Southpark where they sent a killer whale up to space and the Mexican NASA was called MASA Ha! Ha! Ha! That cracked me up!" "Excuse me?" "Yes?" "See that man there?" "You mean the little kid" "Yes! Can you tell him to leave me alone please?" "Leave the lady alone son!" "You're not my real dad!"

"Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "A Gypsy" "A Gypsy who?" "Whould you like to buy some shoes?" "What kind of shoes?" "Nice keys" "What? Nike?" "No, Nice keys, they're shoes in shape of a key!" "Are you that kid from last night?" (deeper voice) "NO!"

what do you call a kerry man with 1 eye???

michael o suilabhan........

a chicken walks into a library. book book, its says to teh librarian. he is a little nonplussed but gives the chicken two books. The next day the chicken comes back, book book book, it says. the librarian gives him three more books. Again the chicken comes back, book book book book. the librarian gives him 4 books, but decides to follow the chicken as he has so many books out. He follows the chicken to a swamp. the chicken hands the books to a frog and the frog goes readit readit readit readit.

What does Virginia Tech and the north pole have in common?
They're both -32 degrees.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Hitler.
Hitler who?
For denying the holocaust you are sentenced to seven years in an Austrian prison.

Why did Alex Ferguson cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!!

what's flat, and hard to ride?

You're ma!

How does one help a Lemon?
With some sweet lemon aid

OK.

So this man goes on holiday to ireland, and he's having a pretty nice time. Then he sees this man walking down the road with a fcuking bouncing brick. A godamned bouncing brick. He could not believe his eyes! The man whose brick it was, he was so fcuking happy. I mean, who wouldn't be if they owned a bouncing brick.
So this man decides he must buy the brick off this irishman.

"Excuse me, where did you get that brick from?" Says the man.
"Its a secret. But i sacrificed alot to get this brick, its not for sale" Says the irishman.
"How about 150 quid" Replies the man.
"No! I lost my family and my job to get this brick. I want to keep it" Snarled the irishman.

Now this man really wanted this bouncing brick.

"Ill give you 500 for it" He requests.
"Okay then."
"Great!" Exclaims the man.
"But i warn you. Don't bounce it too hard." Says the wierd irish man.

The man, now slightly creeped out agrees and walks away.

So, he's finished his holiday at ireland, and he has a fcuking bouncing brick. He is so godamn happy.
But he's thinking "I wonder what will happen if i bounce it really fcuking hard?"
So he does.

And the brick goes flying up into the air and is never seen again.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

A lifeguard is running down the beach to see where the sound of a girl crying is coming from. He comes across a woman with no arms and no legs. He runs over to see what see is crying about. She says "look at me im hideous iv never even been kissed by a man", the noble lifeguard feels it is his duty and gives her an intense and romantic kiss. He put her back down on the sand and walks away. Then she crys again. He runs over and says "what, what have i done", she replys "nothing, its just i have never been pleasured(fingered) by a man", the lifeguard (who fancies himself as a decent and generous lover) has a look around and decides to give her her wish.
A few sultry minutes later the lifeguard has fingered the woman to her most amazing orgasim, he is both proud and fulfilled, as he struts away he hears the woman whimpering again. At first he thinks he has made her cry with satisfaction, but eventully he feels she need more attention.
As he asks her again "why are you crying"
she replies "that was great but please i have never been FCUKED",
the noble and gentle lifeguard picks her up, then looks deep into her eyes and and volleys her into the sea, he shouts "NOW YOUR FCUKED"

Alright, my last joke was appalling. Let me make it up to you by telling a better one:

Ok so theres this guy in Ireland. Hes working for this company, and his job is to go to other companies, as a representative, and he gets contracts signed for his company. Now he's real good at what he does, and he likes his job.

One day, his boss calls him in, and he's like "Hey man. You're our best man. We need you to get this contract signed in America. Its so important, that if you don't get it signed, you're fired."
The man nods his head, and walks out his bosses office, and procedes to sh1t his pants with fear.
He doesn't want to lose his job.

So he knows exactly what to do. He will bring quacky his lucky duck with him. That always gives him awesome luck.
So he takes the duck to the airport, and he keeps checking on it. Check in. "Quack". Yeah, hes still there.
Customs. "Quack". Yeah, still there.
Sit on the plane. "Quack" Yeah, quackys fine.

So the plane takes off.

1 minute into the flight, one of the 4 engines blows up.
Everyone totally sh1ts their pants.
The captain comes on over the intercom. "Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, its only a minor technicality. We still have 3 engines left, and plenty of fuel. We will make it no problem. Please have a complementary glass of wine"
He checks on quacky. "Quack". Yeah, hes still there.
So everyone gets a free glass of wine, and starts to calm down.

In the 2nd minute of the flight, the 2nd engine blows up.
Similar sort of panic.
Again, the captain comes on, apoligises for the 'minor' problem, and explains that they have 2 engines left, and they are ok.
They get given some free champagne this time.
He checks on his duck. "Quack" Yeah he's fine.

3rd minute into the flight.
Guess what.
3rd engine goes.
Again, the captain comes on, slightly shaken, and says they should be ok on 1 engine.
The passengers are given free bottles of wine. Everyone is drinking quite heavily.
"Quack". The duck is fine.

4th minute. Moment of truth.
Last engine goes.

ALL FCUKING HELL BREAKS LOSE. People are running around the plane, crying, preying, screaming, its some hectic sh1t. The plane is plummeting fast.
He checks on quacky.

He isn't in his jacket anymore.
Where the fcuk is Quacky??

Then he notices a bunch of people crowding around a window. So he's like, wtf? He goes and looks out the window.
He sees quacky, flapping his little wings as hard as he fcuking can. Quacky catches up alongside the wing of the plane and grabs it in his tiny beak.
He flaps like fcuking nothing ever seen before in the history of flapping.
He's flapping like a motherfcuker.
And the plane slowly, but surely starts to level out.
People go crazy, they're cheering "QUACKY! QUACKY! QUACKY!"

Then out of nowhere.... a bouncing brick appears and take quacky's head, clean the fcuk off!!!!!!

Are you allowed to kiss a nun?
Yes, but don't get into the habit.

A man walks into a doctors office with an apple on his head.
The doctor says, "why have you got an orange on your head?"
Man says, "it's not a pear, it's a pineapple".

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they have a machine to do that now.

What did the zero say to the eight????????

Ans : nice belt :):)):) ahahahahahahahah

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Trinity Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was paddy joe from stradbally of all places.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Trinners graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered how on earth could paddy top that?

The clock started again and paddy joe sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Three dwarves decide to get intot he guiness book of records. The 1st says. i have tiny fingers! he goes into the guniness records place, and fice minutes later comes out. YAY, i am in the book, i have the worlds smallest fingers. The second dwarf believes he has the smallest nose. In he goes. 5 minutes later he comes out. yay, i am in the book, i have the smallest nose. The 3rd dwarf believes he has the smallest dick. He goes in. 5 minutes later, he comes out raging. Who the fcuk is cristiano ronaldo!!!

How come Helen Keller can't have kids??
Because she's DEAD!

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backgarden?
Neither did she.

Why does helen keller wear skin tight pants?
So you can read her lips...i'm so so sorry...i'm goin to hell anyways!

Paul Caffery has been asked to design a new bra. It has great support, is easy to open in the back and has no cups.

(i am a dubs fan so :( at sunday but :) at that)

I was sitting next to a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so I turned to him and said "Are you a trifle deaf?" and he said "no, I'm mentally ill as it happens

What do you call a load of nuns in a music shop?

Virgin Megastore

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park. He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets

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Man: "My Dog has no nose." Vet: "That's awful that's like a human being blind!" Man: "No you're supposed to say "how does he smell?"" Vet: "It's pretty obvious he can't smell as all his olfactory glands are..." Man: "TERRIBLE!" Vet: "Do you even have a dog?"

Bob Monkhouse R.I.P.

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This is a joke.

Whats the best thing about burn victims?...

They always stick together!

TheSeanan for president.

Big chimney says to Little chimney: My it's hot up here.
Little Chimney says: AAAHHHHH A TALKING CHIMNEY!

a jamaican guy is walking down the street holding two pieces of bread with an empty can of Budweiser between them. his friend sees him and asks "wotchu doin mon??" - he replies "nuttin! me went hin to dat cafe and all me hask for was a beercan sandwich"

(you have to read those bits in quotes in a heavy jamaican accent!)

1) Two DJs walking down the street. One turns to the other "I was thinking of going to the cinema tonight, you want to come?", the second DJ goes "Oh really, who's the projectionist?".
<br><br>
2)What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
<br><br>
*No 2 tells better than it reads

Blind kids eh.....

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I know these you tube yolks may not work but this cracked me up!!!
Think everyones seen it....

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GO ON TIN TIN !!!!!
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What's Brown and runs round the garden?.. A Fence

Whats the definition of the worlds bravest man?... One who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the ass and says: "You're next, fatty."

Why do elephants drink?.. To Forget!

Whats the definition of innocence?.. Nuns doin press ups in a cucumber field!

Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? the wheelchair

why did the baker smell like sh*t? ............... because he was kneeding a poo

John walks into the doctor's surgery, red faced and holding his bum
Doctor : Howaya John how can I help you today?
John pulls his trousers and boxers down to reveal a gaping rectum literally in bits!
Doctor : Jesus Mary and sweet St Joseph what in the name of God happened to you?
John: Ah Jaysus I was on Safari there in Africa and I got raped by an elephant
Doctor : An elephant! ......... but I thought elephants had tiny pricks?
John: Oh no they do, ....... ya see, he fingered me first !

Mother in law walks into a butchers, "can I have that pigs head on the shelf there please" Butchers says "that's a mirror misses"

i can do a really good impression of kermit the frog...does that count? :)

what do you call a russian with three testicles?
whodyanickabollockoff

what is the fastest fish? a motor pike

what do they call pool in australia ? .........loop

what do they call pool in australia ? ..........loop

what do they call pool in china ? ...........sticks n' balls

what should you always bring to an electric picnic ? .....an electric blanket........

.....'doctor, doctor.......my willy's turned into a steerin' wheel....it's drivin' me NUTS ! '

i'm not too good,
at telling jokes that get good laughs,
because i spend all day,
working with boring charts and graphs.
my work life sucks,
and my managers name is nick,
i'd rather tell him to stuff it,
and go to electric picnic.
so all that i need,
is 2 passes to the exciting destination,
and i can smile contentedly as i had in my resignation!

its hard to let go of the chemical brothers but when you let emotion go and are honest with yourself they're actually rubbish

what bees give milk??
boo bees

what do you get if you play a country and western record backwards? your job back, your house back, your wife back, your happiness back...

a guy get a call from his blonde girlfriend. "please come and help me, i'm doing this jigsaw of a tiger and i can't get it done! it's really driving me crazy!!". so he goes round, she answers the door looking stressed. he goes into the living room and sees the table where she is doing the jigsaw. "don't worry love...lets get these frosties back in the box..."

darth vader and luke sky walker are facing off in the death star. light sabres drawn, they square up to each other, situation tense, and darth vader says "luke....(darth vader breathing noise)...luke...i know what you are getting for christmas". luke, obviously perturbed, looks at darth vader and says agitatedly "what?? but..well what am i getting?". "you are getting a football, a skateboard and a fishing rod" darth rasps. even more disturbed luke says "but...but how do you know that??". "because i have felt your presents..."

ba da boom tsshh

how do you keep a jackass in suspense? body tonic will tell me at 6pm

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, and the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What
Do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You shag her again."

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What's Black and Screams ?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron !

Joke of the week: The way you were convinced to judge this competition-
"Go on, it'll be a laugh; We'll have great fun doing it; I'll help". HA!

>International rules of manliness
>
>01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at
the
>footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only
it
>is permissible.
>02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and
>eaten by his mates.
>04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out
>of jail within 12 hours.
>05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden.
>However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another
>man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.
>08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the
>weakest.
>09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
may
>ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
>10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her
>to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
>supermodel...and it's free.
>12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to
>kick another bloke in the nuts.
>13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies
>until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside
>or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have
>carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty
>is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion
>about what a big mistake it was occurs.
>
>25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for
>her to drive yours.
>
>26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green,
>orange or sky blue.
>
>27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
>with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a PlayStation 2.
End
>of story.
>
>28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

did i win????

wHO dA gIGGLE wINNER?

who won ?

Another Irish joke: Deadlines!

awww, well at least we tried. Fair play furiandnb.

*sob*...and i was going to give up the day job and break out onto the comedy circut. i hope you are happy john, that not only have you dashed my electric picnic dreams...but shattered my comedy career!!

great! i won something!!! now if i could only log into the forum without getting an error message i'd be laughing.

i did used to take it like a man, but got married now and those days are behind me ;)

have fun at EP one and all...bray air fest for me.....second best?

what do u say at a muslim striptease show?

Show us yer face!

:mad:

nice one john! just emailed you there.

Has the ticket been won???if not here's my joke:

Wats black and flys a plane?

a PILOT u RACEST !!!! :):):):)

I bought some "magic mushrooms" that apparently give you the most bizarre hallucinations.They must be really good because I was watching Match Of The Day and Heskey scored.