So, dance music then...whatever happened to that simplistic label? Well apparently it wasn't enough, because these days it seems new genres are popping up quicker than new reality TV shows. Neither, of course, are particularly helpful, and we've put together this far-too-simple guide to the genres you absolutely, positively must avoid.

- Clownstep

Its been said of clowns that "kids are scared of them, and adults think they're weird, so who the f*ck are they for?" and it's something you could possibly say about Clownstep too. Originally conceived as a derogatory term to describe music which conjures images of clowns dancing - something that no one wants to see, really - it managed, beyond all sense and taste, to become adopted by a whole new generation of idiots sitting in their bedrooms creating what could be called equally 'happy hardcore drum and bass' and 'shit'. The wikipedia unsupported characters, or include a non-local or incorrectly linked interwiki prefix. You may be able to locate the desired page by searching for its name (with interwiki prefix, if any) in the search box.

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> for clownstep describes its mainstream popularity as 'small'. Good.

- Jumpstyle

Those crazy Dutch have a lot to answer for. Not only did they unleash DJ Tiesto upon everyone and his poor innocent children, but then they had the audacity to go and create a double whammy of bad ideas. Firstly jumpstyle is probably familiar to most of you as the stuff of  /ˈtʃæv/ chav) is a stereotype of certain people in the United Kingdom. Also known as a charver in Yorkshire and North East England^[1] "chavs" are said to be aggressive and arrogant teenagers and young adults, of underclass background, who repeatedly engage in anti-social behaviour such as street drinking, drug abuse and rowdiness, or other forms of juvenile delinquency.^[2]

The Oxford University Press has said that the word is "generally thought to come from Chatham girls",^[3][4] but, according to etymologist Michael Quinion, the term probably has its origins in the Romani word "chavi", meaning "child"^[4][5] (or "chavo", meaning "boy",^[3] or "chavvy", meaning "youth"^[6]).^[7] This word may have entered the English language through the Geordie dialect word charva, meaning a rough child.^[8] This is similar to the colloquial Spanish word chaval, meaning "kid" or "guy".^[3][9] Unlike the Geordie variant, the term derived from Chatham can be applied loosely to every culture with a nasty, thieving element.^[10]

The derivative chavette has been used to refer to females.^[11] The adjectives "chavish" and "chavtastic" apply to stuff designed for or suitable for use by Chavs.^[12]

, stereotypically sportswear-clad yobbos the world over, Hard House. But not just any hard house, no, this one comes from that normally reliable hotbed of production talent, Chicago. Presumably the Windy city blew away all notions of musical taste when this one was made up too, because its probably what getting stabbed directly in the ear drum with a blunt butter knife would feel like. And if that wasn't enough (and it really is) then theres also the fun little dance craze the whole bastard genre seems to have spawned. Yes, guys, you do look like idiots.

- Terrorcore

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,> "Tracks [are] between 120 to 600 beats per minute". Enough said.

- Lowercase

Lest anyone think we were picking on the poor unfortunate ultra-uber-techno variants of the world, here comes the lovely world of ambient minimalism to steal the limelight. Some of you will have heard the concept album, 'Plat Du Jour' by Matthew Herbert. It was alright. Well think of how Mr Herbert skillfully tried to create abstract minimal and techno sounds from household objects, chickens and apples, and how in some cases he used that skill to transcend the abstract and unusual concepts and form a damn good tune too. Now take away all the skill and musicality and you've got Lowercase. Art? Bollocks? You decide.

- Aggrotech

Roughly translated from Mentalist as "WTF" this is the ultimate in idiocy. This is what your mother and other ignorant folk think dance music really sounds like, namely the sounds of dying squirrels and several hundred jackhammers looped through a distortion filter 312 times until it comes out the other end vaguely resembling Satan.

We're only really scratching the surface here, theres lots more 'fun' to be had in the wonderous world of musical genres. Perhaps you want to discover the next big genre? Or maybe you just want to find out what the hell they all mean? Either way, we doubt our five choices will remain the worst for long. Do you have your own suggestions? Are you a clownstep fanatic? Hit us up on the comments.

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