0.0000000000000001 grams of marijuana can land you in a Dubai prison. Be very careful when you’re packing your socks and smalls.

Grooverider would probably tell you where to go if you asked him for a recommendation but Dubai is slowly building a club scene. Korn, Muse, Judge Jules and Sebastian Leger all played there this year, and the club owners in the city are hoping to turn Dubai into more than just a spot to pick up your Ray Bans but also somewhere you might want to spend a night on a dancefloor. With the opening of the new Golden Mile this year, Dubai is going to have one of the longest stretches of bars and clubs in the world. But with bars and clubs tempting you to step in the wrong direction, how can a person avoid doing a Grooverider and not extend their weekend to six months?

First off the beauty of Dubai is that it’s the only place east of the Nile and south of the Tigres where you can have a beer without being thrown in prison. That’s where the unprecedented liberalism stops. A poppy seed in the tread of your shoe will land you in prison and that’s not because they’re anti-home baking. Also if the alcohol goes to your head and you and your loved one let passions run high in public, you’ll end up in prison. You can get drunk in Dubai but you can’t act on it, just remember that. And if you’re travelling solo, and think you might feel an itch in the dead of night, leave the porn at home or you’ll end up in prison too.

You’d think with all the restrictions putting the fear into mild-mannered Westerners that no one would leave their apartment but that doesn’t seem to be the case. The absence of drugs and promiscuity isn’t upsetting anyone, apart from those who are already in prison, I imagine.

Dubai’s clubs stay open to three or four in the morning and they don’t have to run around flyering like demons to get a crowd in. Chi is one of Dubai’s largest clubs. It’s run by a guy called Greg Dufton. The drugfree atmosphere of Dubai’s clubs is a great benefit to the DJs he says, “Because there isn’t a drug scene, there’s a real enjoyment of the music. People in clubs aren’t off their heads but listening.”

It’s hard to imagine how a person could spend a night in Judge Jules’ company without ingesting a mountain of pick-me-ups but we’ll give our friend Mr. Dufton the benefit of the doubt for now. A mandatory four years is what you get for being in possession of any amount of illegal substance. Possession also means being in your urine, in the tips of your hair or in a blood sample. If you have it, never mind whether it has to be extracted by a syringe, you’re in possession. Four out of five banknotes in the States contain traces of cocaine. The statistic is similar for Euros. Might be an idea to make sure you’ve none of those in your suitcase when you’re packing.